The Days Leading Up To Her Departure Part I

Around this time four years ago, my mother was in the last few weeks of her life. I remember those days clearly. I would cry myself to sleep because I couldn't take the heartache that came with it. I had to mentally prepare myself to a future without her by my side, yet, there was this voice at the back of my head telling me that I shouldn't be pessimistic about it, that I should have faith that she would win the battle just like she did when she was first diagnosed with breast cancer in 1999. My mother on the other hand was such a fighter, never once did she shed a tear despite the pain she had to go through. She told me that God was generous enough to lend her thirteen extra years to see me grow into a young lady so every single day was a bonus for her.  

Only a selected few people knew about her illness when it recurred in June 2012. It was my mother's request not to tell anyone as she didn't have the energy to entertain guests at home. We could no longer keep it under the covers when we were unable to travel down to JB for Hari Raya Puasa celebrations in late August so we had to inform our family that Mum went for an operation (no mention of the big C). We were blessed to have close family and relatives who came to visit  us throughout the month of Aidilfitri as they were worried about her condition. Mum was her usual self ; ever so jovial and concerned of others that there was barely any mention of her sickness. 

As chemotherapy was not an option, we opted for alternative treatments however the cancer was too aggressive and in a matter of four to five months, she was skin and bones due to her inability to consume solid food. Having to travel to these healing centres for treatment left her exhausted and debilitated. She didn't allow me to take any photographs of her saying "wait until I'm better...we'd take all the photos we want in the world". 

I considered deferring my semester so I could spend more time with her but she wasn't supportive of the idea so I juggled studies, caring for her and trying my best to accompany her to the hospital whenever my schedule permits. I remember this particular day when she went in for a nephrostomy procedure where the doctors inserted a stent into her kidneys so that the tubes drain the urine into a bag (we called it her "Gucci and Chanel" bags) as she had ascites (fluid retention in the abdominal area). I had a class I could not miss, F7 Financial Reporting to be exact. I cried silently while holding on to my phone in the lecture theatre while listening to Ms Santha explaining about an IAS for three freaking hours! Gosh what was I thinking? Should have just skipped the class. Right after the class ended, I ran to the foyer waiting for dad to pick me up and head to the hospital. I was relieved of all that anxiety upon entering the room and seeing Mum smile and say "do you like my new bags?". 

To be continued.... *too much tears just recalling those days*

Note :  I contemplated on writing this post for some time now, reason being I didn't want people to think that I'm not over my mother's death and that I'm living in the past but then I thought of every single family member of a cancer patient out there who might need to read about my experience and know that they're not alone in this journey of providing care and support for their loved ones. Feel free to email me if you'd like to share your stories. Sending love and support to you.

Always stay humble and kind

"Your kind words and actions will go into the history books of someone's life"

Every time my kind gestures are not reciprocated in the way that I expect it to be, I try to understand the other person's circumstances. That person was probably not brought up with the same values as I was so it is unfair for me to expect him or her to act in a certain way. I know I know... we all tend to get all frustrated when we're facing this situation but hey let's train ourselves to see the good in others ok?

 For some of us, it's common courtesy to smile to a stranger, hold the door for the person behind us, to allow others to exit a lift/train before entering, help an elderly person who seems to be struggling, to text a person asking if he/she has arrived home safely etc unfortunately some of these actions are misinterpreted as an attempt to flirt.

I once received a comment from a relative saying "minat kat orang tu ke?" when he overheard me wishing Selamat Hari Raya to this poor guy who was working at a petrol station on the first day of Raya. I couldn't comprehend the comment as to me that wish could have made the cashier feel appreciated especially on a day like Hari Raya. Some of these comments that people make are unnecessary and can hurt a person's feelings. If you have nothing nice to say, it's best not to say anything at all.

A simple act of kindness does wonders especially on days when things aren't going our way. Be kind to each and every person you encounter (or at the very least try to) as we're all fighting battles others might not know about. It doesn't hurt to be kind, that's for sure.

We need more songs that carry a message like this one

Down Memory Lane

22nd September 2016

It's one of those nights when I revisit songs from the secondary school era to accompany my late night study sessions. This time round I chanced upon the song Pupus on Youtube and you know how one ends up listening to the rest of the songs in the artiste's repertoire. During my early teenage years, I was very much into Indonesian bands like Dewa 19, Sheila on 7, Peterpan, Kerispatih, Samsons, Letto, Nidji etc.

In fact, the first outdoor stadium concert that I was allowed to attend was one by Peterpan at Stadium Merdeka a decade ago when I was 14. It rained cats and dogs on the day of the concert that we were drenched by the end of the night.  I kept the nearly damaged ticket to mark the beginning of my concert going days (siap sellotape balik elok elok okay!).

Once's vocals can melt the hearts of ladies out there

The sound of the Mandolin and the lyrics <3 

These were the songs that slowly sparked my interest in lyric writing (first) then songwriting. I remember writing lyrics on the blank page of my exam papers while waiting for the exams to end. I had to erase it off before handing in the papers for marking. Those were the days of cheesy 'cinta monyet' lyrics I wrote based on my friends' love stories. Imagine having your BM or English language teacher reading those unrelated stuff on the last page of the exam sheets they hand out to students. Malu weih! *sambil imagine muka Cik Adilah or Puan Zubaidah reading my jiwang lyrics * Never know...they might have brilliant lyric ideas to contribute kan? 

My late mother loved Indonesian music and I remember seeing her collection of cassettes comprising keronchong songs by Hetty Koes Endang as well as Bob Tutupoli and Broery Marantika's albums.
Whenever we went for karaoke, she would select the Benci Tapi Rindu song that it's now become a habit of mine to select the song and sing it in her memory. I guess that's how the love for Indonesian songs rubbed off on me.

23rd September 2016

This is how we ACCA students roll on a Friday night yo!

I uploaded this on my Instagram story and received a DM from Airina saying she was about to upload a similar photo of her studying for her Masters. I immediately thought of our SPM motivation song : OAG's Generasiku and replied "Segalanya dalam genggaman, Walau apa pun takkan menjadi halangan!". Yes, that's how we motivated each other to study in Form 5. Seven years down the road, we're still listening to the same song to motivate us to study. The power of a well written song.  Can't thank the songwriters enough for these amazing songs that we can still relate to at different points in our life. 

Indahnya dunia ketika kita muda remaja !

Not forgetting Faizal Tahir's Gemuruh 

"Segalanya pastikan terbukti nanti!"

Baiklah, back to studying. I shall try to blog more often from now. Selamat malam, folks!

Nearly There Now

I woke up one morning without realising it was results day and found this in my inbox. Imagine how ecstatic I was ! Alhamdulilah, I've been waiting to pass this particular subject : Audit cos it's the driest subject everrrr. Audit's been my "super clingy boyfriend" for quite some time now and I can finally bid goodbye to it. Truthfully, I wasn't confident this time round because it was a tougher paper as compared to the December 2015 seating. Next up, to ace the Financial Reporting & Financial Management papers at the end of the year! Please pray for my success. 

If I could express how I feel with a song, it'd definitely be this one..... I'm on top of the world ayyy! 

A Little Goes A Long Way

At 8.55am this morning, I was at the Kelana Jaya LRT Station reloading my Rapid KL pass at the ticketing machine. While I was halfway through topping up my card, an Indian man who looked like he's in his late 50s approached me. He was holding a RM 1 note in his right hand and a dark coloured duffel bag on his left. 

I ignored him at first and continued my business but he was still standing next to me so I looked up and said "Uncle, sebelah boleh beli" to which he replied "Tamil something" (I didn't catch the second word, I think he meant he can only read Tamil characters) so I said "Sekejap ye, Uncle. Nanti saya tolong Uncle belikan ticket". He nodded.

 Once I was done, I asked him "Uncle, station mana?" He said "Taman Desa" I was thinking to myself I'm very sure there's no Taman Desa station so I asked him again and he said "Satu station" while gesturing with his hand and I said "oh Taman Bahagia ke, Uncle?" He said "ahh, ya, ya". He passed me the RM 1.20 he was holding, I inserted the money into the machine, we waited for the token to be dispensed. I passed it to him and led him to the barrier machine, taught him to scan the token and made sure he was walking with me towards the escalator. He kept saying terima kasih ya, terima kasih ya. 

I wish you well, Uncle. I'm sorry you weren't able to read, I'm sure you had your reasons. I'm sorry I didn't ask you more, I didn't know how to ask properly, I'm afraid that I would hurt your feelings. Next time, maybe next time I will see you again. Till then, take care of yourself and I hope you'll meet a kind soul who would be willing to lend you a hand the next time you need to buy a ticket. I couldn't help but think of him during the whole journey to KLCC to meet my cousin.

Inevitable End

i remember the faces of those who showed up at the masjid
the hugs i received and the endless "be strong"s i heard
overwhelmed by their very presence
i thought i was alone, God proved otherwise
time will heal, they told me
that with each passing day, i'd miss her a little less than before
truth is, the emptiness in my heart cannot be filled
with all that i've seeked ever since

the only consolation i had then was that she is now relieved of agony
one i couldn't bear seeing her go through day after day
ever so patient, even when she was only skin and bones
i'd keep the tears for the night, after i tuck her in bed
i prayed for her inevitable end to come sooner
for i could not bring myself to see her suffer anymore

liyanaalmahdaly 22nd march 2016

Long Way To Go ....

For the past months I found that I'm unable to express myself through words. The journal that I keep in the bookshelf next to the bed is left blank as if there's nothing worth writing in it. Every time something happens instead of expressing it through writing like I used to, I tend to ignore my feelings and find something to distract me from penning down my thoughts. 

Is this some quarter life crisis thing or what? Someone enlighten me please !

I've been thinking about life, reflecting on my past actions, over analysing things, people watching wherever I go and searching for answers to the questions that I've had in my head forever. Waira says I need to stop over thinking and over analysing tiny details in my life before I go haywire but I can't help it! When you put two introverts together the over thinking and over analysing can go really overboard! (That's a lot of overs in a sentence.) I shall stop this rant and write when I next feel like it.

"U.F.O."

Lord I don't know which way I am going
Which way the river gonna flow
It just seems that upstream, I keep rowing
Still got such a long way to go
Still got such a long way to go

Then that light, it's your eye
I know, I swear,
We'll find somewhere the streets are paved with gold
Bullets fly, split the sky
But that's all right, sometimes, sunlight comes streaming through the holes

Oooohhh ooooohh...

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, 

and remember what peace there may be in silence. 

As far as possible, without surrender, 

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; 

and listen to others, 

even to the dull and the ignorant; 

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; 

they are vexatious to the spirit. 

If you compare yourself with others, 

you may become vain or bitter, 

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. 

Keep interested in your own career, 

however humble; 

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, 

for the world is full of trickery. 

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; 

many persons strive for high ideals, 

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. 

Especially, do not feign affection. 

Neither be cynical about love; 

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, 

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, 

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. 

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. 

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, 

be gentle with yourself. 

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; 

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, 

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

Therefore be at peace with God, 

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, 

in the noisy confusion of life, 

keep peace in your soul. 

With all its sham, 

drudgery and broken dreams, 

it is still a beautiful world. 

Be cheerful. 

Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann (1872 - 1945)